There are definitely some nerves going into this race weekend. It is the main event of the training season. I should feel ready to take on the weekend. Instead, I keep replaying all of my setbacks over and over again.
August was just so very very hot. I really hate running in the heat, but I made it to most of the team runs and even did a few on my own. Then it was Rock n’ Roll Virginia Beach weekend. Things were going well, I was running injury-free and while my time wasn’t where I wanted it to be, I was moving forward.
Then September hit me like a truck. My depression and anxiety consumed me. I was frozen. I couldn’t find the energy to run. I couldn’t find the confidence to reach out and ask for help. In hindsight maybe my lack-of-runs was partially responsible for my depression and anxiety. I don’t know, all I know is that was a difficult time for me and training was the last thing on my mind.
October was insane, trying to get back on my feet from a paralyzing September. Then my birthday happened which believe it or not, is usually a fairly difficult time for me. Then I was in vacation mode and went to Mexico for a week. I had Crawlin Crab and a few short runs, but nothing to truly count as a training run.
It was an ugly spiral. I was too afraid to show up for group runs, knowing that new tight-knit running pods had formed throughout the season. Knowing my friends were keeping up with their training and it was paying off. The fear of running alone. The fear of getting injured. The fear of not being enough kept me home. It allowed me to hit snooze on Saturdays or agree to work late on Thursdays. While some of the weeks my excuses were justified, the honest truth is most of the time it was a fear-based decision not to run.
Now here we are, it is race weekend, but other races were my training runs. If I was smarter maybe I would defer my entry to next year. I can’t bring myself to do that. I am counting on my team though. I am counting on them to pull me through, to hold my rope. I have a big rock to carry this weekend, I need help to make it to the finish line with the extra weight.